confessions of spilt milk

777

2012-03-06T20:03:00.002+10:00

This blog can be found at

http://flessh.tumblr.com
until further notice.

2012-03-03T14:43:00.001+10:00

can be found at flessh.tumblr.com until further notice.

2012-03-01T00:46:00.001+10:00

Omg I am insane

566788990

2012-03-01T00:37:00.002+10:00

Okay, this might be the most important blog of the day....

because I've posted several embarassingly emotional ones.

My blog is proving a point

that words on a screen, monitor, text message, IM, facebook, fucking anything without a face and a mouth and a human being visibly attached... without auditory information and measurable visual keys, is not necessarily genuine.

NOTHING

can be trusted.

So, if you think you know who I am, who anyone is, from those conversations, those words alone, you're ignorant.

If you are saying anything major through these mediums, making any declarations, promises etc, you need to reevaluate the meaning of these statements to you.

If you a reading a silly blog, twitter, tumblr, facebook, livejournal whatever, making guesses and assuming you understand the drive behind each word written,

consider that there is a very high chance you are wrong.

2012-03-01T00:31:00.000+10:00

This is the way I behave behind a monitor, get used to it 8)

... dicks.

2012-03-01T00:30:00.001+10:00

Trying my best not to be a shithead.

must... not... blog about... you being a dick...
...

cant...

hold...
off
....

aggression....

much... LOng...er...

...ffufuuckckck.....
.
..
YOUU.

:)

2012-02-29T23:20:00.003+10:00

Maybe I'm making all of this up.

in, hold your breath 1, 2, 3, out.

2012-02-29T23:17:00.001+10:00

how quickly a shy dog can become a wolf...

it only takes a few moments for all of the promises to lose their truth
i'm not sure what i'm meant to do.

i've had enough of this behaviour, i quit!
but on a deep, submissive level ...i am shaken; nauseated.

i want to let this lie - logically. you are being stupid and you can go and be stupid on your own. but logic does not always present itself with confidence and solidarity.

how could i not be upset? i've been as forthright as i can about what i am like as a person, about what i will do. you, not so much.

the contact between us has been sparse - i know nothing, you know nothing.
so
why was i

stupid enough
to believe
you

wouldn't
leave

leaves

leaf

leave

leaving

it's my fault
but it's not
you know?

silence is so cruel to an obsessive mind
so many questions.

and that is why this is such a joy for you.
you enjoy this...

Watch this sad little girl squirm in indecision.

I'm trying hard to breathe, breathe deep. I want to be strong enough to deal with it all. This has happened time and time again after all.

time and time again.

so what am I doing wrong?

plus

2012-02-29T22:30:00.003+10:00

oh, oh, i'd kill you if I could.

tired x-ray visions

2012-02-29T18:29:00.005+10:00

complete 180 turn around,
let's play.
is this really fair,

or are you just drunk again

H u n t e r. (Part 1)

2012-02-28T11:35:00.000+10:00

For anyone who isn't aware,

when you have an overly analytical mind
(when you're obsessive)

and have nothing to do...

The tiniest amount of fuel will do.

I will turn my life into a war.
I want something to ruin,
something to destroy.

So I will obsess, I will warp, I will fill in gaps.

Hunting for something to do,
some thoughts to kill.

The poisoned apple wrapped in a pink bow.

2012-02-28T11:26:00.002+10:00

Your fun is over, 'lover'.

You do not understand the definition of your big words.
You do not speak your mind, and expect me to speak mine.
This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test. This is a test.

What

Will

Say

Next?

Her responses are so silly! Isn't this cute, how she's so upset!
:) vindictive, cruel. Make her come crawling back. Make her see.
Make her behave the way I never did. Make her honest.

If you had been paying any attention, you would know that these games don't end well. You would know better.
But here is my rationale.

You don't know anything. You only have words on a screen.
Words lie.
Your words lie.
My words lie.

Now

Alll you get

In response

Is
words
on a
screen.

I'm not playing anymore.

playdoh

2012-02-26T16:24:00.001+10:00

Here I was thinking the manipulation ended with you,

but it seems like it's all anybody does.

thirds.

2012-02-25T23:39:00.000+10:00

Things will change here soon.
I look forward to showing you a new side of my thoughts.

*

born to die.

2012-02-17T13:13:00.001+10:00

Having a heart broken is not the worst thing that can happen to a person...
depending on how we see things.

This is for the best.

timid.

2012-02-17T00:16:00.001+10:00

I wish you weren't afraid of me.

A spike of curiousity.

2012-02-16T11:59:00.004+10:00

(x)

Bubble bearings

2012-02-15T23:08:00.002+10:00

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”

It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.

Sometimes we have moments where we are stupid enough
to miss what we once had,

because there's nothing else to feel.

Nobody else to miss.

######

2012-02-14T13:25:00.002+10:00

‘Goodness knows, the wicked die alone…’

my subconscious is a battlefield

2012-02-14T11:44:00.002+10:00

dreams, dreams, dreams
until the day I die.

fists raised, we fight to the death

2012-02-12T22:20:00.004+10:00

Metaphors are all I am and the best weapon I can use.

Some people dream in black and white,

see words as smells,

I see life as metaphors,
everything is something else.

Bees

2012-02-12T21:56:00.000+10:00

To take down a hive, you must kill thequeen. Take down a society by the source of their life; their heart, theirwhole, and it shall all be yours.

We all feed off of one another, just asbees do. We work our whole lives, fetching pollen, making honey, buzzing busybees we are.

We fight to live; we fight so others donot die. Together, we are one in the same, but alone we are so isolated andstrange. Bees – we are fat little bees, so impossible in our reality. How dobees fly? How does anyone walk, or hold miles of intestines inside fleshy sacksof skin? What is it about a human body that is so understandable andbelievable, while the simple aerodynamic shape of a bee cannot be comprehended?

How is it that we work all of our livesfor a queen, just so our children and children’s children can work all of theirlives. We sustain one another, but for what purpose?

I suppose we make our own. We inventlittle worlds, where love matters or where money matters. We revolve aroundbasic needs, pleasure and pain – honey, pollen and the queen. We are all busybees, working to continue our friends, our enemies and ourselves. The rest isall fantasy – or perhaps it isn’t. Just like the flight of a bee, our livingpurpose cannot be completed by a brief study, or a diagram and set of charts.

We set up structures and societies, tearthem down, and then build them up again. We place the bravest on a throne, wework, and we sting enemies in defence of the collective hive. This much iscertain. The rest is all in the throws of how a bee’s wings are too small forit’s fat body. The way a liver can regrow from as little as a quarter of itself– how remarkable.

If we knew how we operated, we would beindestructible. Kill the queen, the queen goes, the hive carries on. Lives willbecome replaceable. Societies will be reshaped, hearts regrown.

Perhaps there is purpose in not knowing.

eeeeeeeh

2012-02-12T21:40:00.002+10:00

HOW
do I change
my life?

i'm trying the best i fucking can.

|^. .^|

2012-02-11T22:32:00.001+10:00

Headaches aren't easy.

Neither is being alone.

Or living like batman.

Un-thoughtful

2012-02-09T23:48:00.001+10:00

Kiss me before you go.

My mind is actually really talented at making me believe that nobody really cares and everyone secretly hates me.

Left to my own devices,

I would never talk again.

Expansion.

2012-02-07T21:25:00.000+10:00

(x)

I've seen too much.

there must be more

2012-02-07T21:04:00.002+10:00

All my life needs is a trigger...
a poke,
a huff and a puff,
a swift kick up the arse,
some momentum,
opposing forces...

anything.

I don't know how to do it myself.

The 411

2012-02-04T22:41:00.000+10:00

Fuzziness, until I can take the time to feel clear again.

The haze can be good for a break, I suppose.

Emotionlessly emotional.

2012-02-03T00:41:00.001+10:00

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.”
— Osho

But of course, how could I not choose to be moulded by what's around me? The world is swimming with negativity, misery, strangeness and ups and downs, but who are we if we are impenetrable? If we cannot bat an eyelid at an earthquake, what does that make us?
Strong, or just afraid of change?

Sadness can be cataclysmic, but it can also be enlightenment. So, I am not afraid of feeling sad, or small, because from that I grow every day. I am shapeable, easily hurt, but bigger for it.

lay me down,

2012-02-02T10:11:00.006+10:00

I wonder if one day
I will stop believing that everyone in my life hates me
and perhaps I'll realise,
they stay for a reason beyond pity.

how can everyone even anyhow know to want to go as far as even taking when?

2012-02-01T21:58:00.001+10:00

‘You’re trying to fight me. Stop it. Stop it now.’

La lune.

2012-01-31T21:18:00.002+10:00

I'm so sure that nobody understands the purpose of this blog. So, just to be clear, I'm rather pleasant and happy. I have no major complaints with my life, and I am very lucky.

However, I, like many, have monsters and secrets and a dark side and moods and skeletons that I can't keep hiding away. Most people keep their issues under control with silly ideas like honesty and best friends and fights. I don't get the chance to have these things, sometimes. Us humans are becoming much too careful.

Besides, I like to be excellent, I like to be perfect. These... dark parts need to be expressed, so I express them by writing. I must write them out. I must, or they will take over me.

I can be lovely, but here, here is where I show you a dark corner of my heart and my mind. Here is where I reveal the whispering thoughts, the passing ideas that could ruin everything if they are allowed to take over.

Here is where I lay them to rest.

You must understand that my words take no immediate authority beyond artistic expression, unless you interpret them correctly. I promise you, I will not make that easy. It is not easy for me to say, after all.

Listen carefully.

Felt this kind of cold.

2012-01-31T21:03:00.002+10:00

I feel really flat
and I don't want to draw or go to work
and I really feel like lying down all day, but I have things I want to get done and I just want to drop everything for a day or two or hide in my cupboard but that
is not how things work.

and then i think this is what depression is supposed to feel like, not a crushing sadness that I had once, a darkness that whispered about how everyone i loved was a liar. no no no, the depression part, ~~was~~ is the part where I ~~couldn't~~ can't keep moving. I just can't.

This feels like high school all over. Because I was afraid to go to school, so afraid of nothing but glances, nobody speaking to me, nobody caring, strange questions, silly rumours and so many stupid lies.

and now you're doing the same, which wouldn't matter if it didn't feel like my life was repeating itself
to prove a point . . .

that i should never, never let another human being into my home, into my mind, into my life
ever again.

unless i'm ready for hurt.

okay.

We're surrounded by fools with our guns cocked. Now what?

(x)

listen, now.

2012-01-30T22:06:00.000+10:00

“I know I said I’m better, but I’m really not.”

7,8,9,10.

2012-01-27T23:24:00.002+10:00

Trying to figure out why you've felt every emotional plausible in the last 24 hours is hard work.

/\.-'-./\.-'-./\.-'-./\.-'-./\.-'-./\.-'-./\

2012-01-26T23:23:00.000+10:00

Have you ever had a moment, where you feel like you've seen someone properly for the first time?

I had a moment... I caught a glimpse of fire - the fight inside you, unearthed and clear in your eyes. Clear, like reading a book. I saw how you survived so much, the human need for self preservation, the passion and ambition. It was just a piece, but it matters.

I'm just not sure what it means.

we know that feel

2012-01-25T12:56:00.003+10:00

Not even going to attempt to describe my feels today.

Are you dying to believe I can't go on without you?

2012-01-24T11:51:00.000+10:00

I am so scared of what will kill me in the end

Last night, I stood where we stood. Me, wrapped around your skin, surrounded by that human smell. My nerves jumping, bubbling with a heavy bass. The sights, they seared my vision. The feeling of a human touch again. The smell, the smell. Petrol, smoke, sweat, metal, rust and poison. All you.

i should not speak about it, she whispers.
imagine the humiliation !
imagine bearing your soul
on a silly blog
for all eyes to see
and laugh.

you should be ashamed.
your love is such a shame.

The night's gone, and you're gone too

but you can't be missed if you never go away.

667

2012-01-22T21:01:00.000+10:00

melodramatic,feigned ignorance,nonchalant,vague,cruel,cruel,cruel.

I, I, I am so unsure whether the way I act is justified.

I see how it hurts, but I can't care.

When I am alone, that's who I am.

I become cruel, vindictive, manipulative, lost, so lost?

Do you understand ?

When I am alone,

I am intangible (for my own safety),

I am concrete; cruel.

*^*^*

Okay.

Best of all, to every advantage,

I am malleable.

You can change me, when I'm not alone.

Watch me with your careful eyes.

Play games.

Be bold, I will be bold.

Be silent, I will hold my tongue.

Be a stream of incandescent colour, and I will burn so bright for you...

but,

how can I be upfront, when you will never be?

Repeat

2012-01-20T16:05:00.004+10:00

You can't say you're too good for this if you're still reading.

You may say I lost everything, but I still had my bedazzler.

2012-01-18T23:14:00.000+10:00

Let this be the promise you keep.

I swear, I swear.

I'm going to marry

the night

I'm not going to cry anymore.

ooo

2012-01-18T22:24:00.000+10:00

ohhh man,
I'm not as depressed as this blog makes me sound.

see me, see you.

2012-01-16T19:58:00.003+10:00

(x)

To love another person,
you need to see them. Really see them.

I saw once, for a moment. Then I was blind again.
Imagination can do that to a person. We build on fantasy.
Without that, I suppose, nothing would ever leave the ground.
Still, we get carried away. We don't see.

Some people don't see themselves.
Until you can see, you can't help yourself or anybody else.
You can't improve...

No, okay, I haven't recently watched Avatar.
It's true!

... shut up.

1,

2012-01-15T23:04:00.002+10:00

I am bigger than the way I feel.

2,

2012-01-15T22:30:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I just try, in the most fragile ways, to push people.

I am about to erupt.

3,

2012-01-15T15:33:00.000+10:00

I know you think I'm just like everybody else you've met.
Exciting, tangible, but malleable.

I also know you're wrong.

4,

2012-01-10T17:55:00.001+10:00

A life split in to two minds,

Love that passes through two hearts,

I wonder if

I will ever reach it.

5,

2012-01-07T13:38:00.001+10:00

Sometimes I would just kill to be alone.
Sometimes I would kill just to be alone.

++++====

2012-01-06T01:12:00.003+10:00

When I'm depressive I can be a really low quality friend,

sorry.

poop

2012-01-04T01:32:00.001+10:00

haha messed up?

Oh Georgina if you only knew...

Isolation Booth

2012-01-04T01:26:00.002+10:00

"A persistance that would last a lifetime, I promise you!"

Now I know this is a victory,
but is this a victory
and perhaps a loss ?

Can a game be both?

After all, that's all this is.

You gave me a challenge, of course. You gave me a game to play. Something to lose, nothing to gain.
'Make me want to leave you.
Make me hate you like she does.'

What was that quote I loved?

“It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.”

Habits.
I will quote Chuck Palahniuk like a bible until the end of my days.
I will never rest.
I will ruin, destroy, BURN
every little possession in this heart that I have, until there is nobody left.

It's a loss, in logical terms.

But in my heart; my dark, bruised, bloodied heart and my wide open scars,

I know I feel like I am winning.

Love's Reincarnation

2012-01-04T00:48:00.000+10:00

2011

He trembled in his seat, paralysed byAndrea’s gaze. He was far toofrightened to run – a stupid, stupid boy, he was. His hands clawed into theleather armrests, clenched like an eagle’s talons.

‘Tell me, dear boy, why do they want youto live so badly?’ she clicked her tongue scornfully, ‘you seem like littlemore than a timid and excessively mild boy. ’

His mouth did not waver from thehard-pressed line he had imposed upon it. Clicking stilettos thickened thetension between them as Andrea stalked closer. She flicked out her index fingerand popped it onto the boy’s dimpled chin.

‘You were an intruder, for months andmaybe years,’ she cooed, pushing his face up with a small prod to his jaw.

Small tears fell from the eyes he refusedto blink shut.

‘You took my prey.’

The words spat out fast, like a lashingto the ears.

‘You.’

She whipped her hand away and poised itfor a slap.

‘Took.’

‘MY.’

‘HUSBAND,’ she roared, striking her palm acrossthe boy’s pearly face.

Even her guards jumped in their skin.

‘...I’ve decided,’ she began softly, oncesilence had settled on the room again, ‘to let you live.’

Her hands smacked onto the boy’s wristswhere they rested on the chair’s arms, and pushed them into the seat. Theireyes were level, and he could see nothing but black.

With a thick assurance, she spoke.

‘But you will pay deeply for what youhave done.’

Once, just once.

2012-01-02T22:59:00.003+10:00

2011

His head crumbled into shards. Slidingdown the wall to the wooden floors, he felt his throat constrict, but novisions ever came to sight.

Suddenly all the places Daniel hadtouched him sparked alight, like they knew he would never touch them again. Hisheart protested, bashing against bloodied walls and bones. The letter – the ‘don’t forget about us’ letter – waswrapped around the inside of his hand, clenched into a tight fist.

‘It hurts, Cleo. It hurts so bad.’

Advantageous

2012-01-02T14:18:00.001+10:00

(x)

"All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock."

- Mycroft Holmes

Cleo

2012-01-01T19:11:00.001+10:00

Shesbacksheabakcshesback!

straight lines

2011-12-30T12:14:00.002+10:00

(はるかな雲)

Everything is folding into place;

it is expected,

it is dull.

☽

rule no. 1

2011-12-29T00:30:00.003+10:00

"You're a voice in my head."

"YOU'RE A VOICE IN MINE."

emotional build-up.

2011-12-28T21:22:00.004+10:00

It builds and builds and builds,
coins thrown over shoulder,
into the same pond,
and the rocks
and the gold
they pile into lumps
and mountains

Soon the metal will rot me,
or we will burst,
explode,
boom.

Soon.

Recovery +

2011-12-26T21:30:00.003+10:00

I must recover!

It shouldn't be such a shock when people say it's not my fault.

Never, never.

2011-12-26T00:18:00.002+10:00

Forgive me, this is very draft-y.
I will fix it, once I am awake enough to know what it needs.

“Nevergive up, never, never.”

Auron’s heart beats strongly in his head.He’s spent a lifetime running on low love, and his body aches.

It rains, it pours all over his blondemop of curls. His toes are dipped in sand and shrinking waves. Sweat drips overhis brow, but he made it in time. The one he wants is waiting.

Daniel stands in the water, with foamcircling around his thighs. The wind is absurdly strong, breezing the smallerboy’s long hair parallel to the shore. They stare at each other, and thedistance feels thick.

‘So, I hear you’re leaving again,’ Auronsays, and over the rushing waves it sounds like a whisper.

Daniel keeps his lips shut tight.

‘How…’ the blonde begins, clenching afist.

How to stop his voice from trembling…?

‘How close am I to losing you, Dae?’Auron cries.

No response.

‘Don’t go!’

Auron flips his arms up in a physicalprotest. He’s shaking from cold and anger and hurt and so much love he couldburst.

Thunder drums in the distance and it’sominously loud.

Daniel twists around, trying to avoidthe intensity crackling between them.

‘I’m neversure of anything,’ he shouts over the rain, ‘I change every day.’

‘I know. I would know,’ Auron snaps.

Daniel steps forwards with heavy stridesagainst the current. Waves push against his back, urging him to move faster, toclose the distance.

‘So help me. Help me be sure.’

They’re metres apart, now. Physicaldistance: closing. Emotional distance: …

‘Love me,’ he says, pushing hisfingertips through the blonde curls.

He kisses his cheek, his nose, and thecorners of his eyes. They’re soaked, from skin to arteries, with lightningflashes creeping closer and closer.

Auron’s hands are tentative – he’sprepared to push them through air and lose everything he’s ever known.

But no, the skin doesn’t move, doesn’tchange it’s mind. It’s real; it doesn’t crumble as his dreams do.

‘I won’t go, if you help me…’

‘If you love me,’ Auron finishes.

‘Yes.’

Auron grips Daniel’s waist. They mouldtogether, as the ocean to the sand, crashing in heavy waves. They kiss, lips fillinggaps and finishing questions. Tongues and rain slide together.

‘Love me,’ their bodies say, compressedto one another.

That’s all they can do.

whine tiem

2011-12-25T23:20:00.002+10:00

I am an entirely selfish human being
and my writing lately feels abysmal.

:C

ho ho romance.

2011-12-25T00:01:00.000+10:00

Love has never been free for me.

I am always trapped by

what I want,

the truth,

distance,

and

what I cannot say.

BOOP.

2011-12-23T20:30:00.003+10:00

four more posts until I have written 7777.

( ꒪⌓꒪)

SAvE

2011-12-20T00:00:00.001+10:00

(x)

I feel like I have tears in my heart

but cannot cry them,

because I don't know

why they are there.

I need courage, Wizard.

2011-12-19T23:54:00.003+10:00

Turn away because I need you more,

Feel the

in my mind.

He tiptoes around on the roof, barefoot.Pebbles and dirt are digging into his heels. Pigeons coo in a city streetharmony. The stars are out, and the night is alive with the rush of New Year’sEve. The digital watch on his right wrist beeps for 11PM.

Daniel puffs out a sigh, twisting histoes on the rocks and gravel to check the exit. The lithe, young boy twirlslike a ballerina when he sees the empty doorway.

They say a watched pot never boils. Neitherdo doors, it seems.

‘Boring,' he says, defeated.

There are candles – hundreds, lit up inneat rows around the roof’s edge. The sky’s breeze extinguishes a few, but moststill flicker and curl gently, impatiently waiting with him. They dance. Hedances.

Classical radio is playing from a beatenup stereo in the corner. Violins sweetly hum through – Daniel’s favourite.

He flicks his arms out and spins, againand again. The lights from buildings around him blur into lines very quickly.

You know that sweeping feeling in yourstomach… where everything just drops?

Daniel easily twists too fast, sweepingup rocks. Balance is thrown to the wind with his caution and he comes clatteringinto the dirt, skin cluttered in little cuts and dents.

‘Shit.’

He checks his elbows and legs. His kneeweeps.

‘Hello,’ a voice calls from the doorway.

--

The cuts are only remembered when theblood is kissed away.

... 1.33am

2011-12-19T01:29:00.004+10:00

Stay close.

heart of glass

2011-12-17T14:53:00.002+10:00

it's all very well to say you will tiptoe around the glass
but now i have to be careful too

lest you try to clean my wounds.

Little Soldier.

2011-12-15T22:21:00.002+10:00

For Jasmin, and anyone who feels alone.

keep going, keep going, keep going.

it's all you can do

it's all you can do, sometimes.

we wake up some days
and it's hard to imagine taking a breath without happiness cuddling your chest.
the world can be cold and lonely

but we wake up other days and we stand tall

and we can always try to lift our neck, even if our head is heavy.

you have to fight for the days where everything is okay

fight for the person you want to become

for the love you deserve to have

for yourself, and for those you care about.

you have to fight,

no matter how big the opponent.

keep, keep, keep your head up.

dream big.

little soldier, the world has so much in store for you.

♥

I am listening to the Macarena.

2011-12-12T22:52:00.001+10:00

It's like I spend these extended periods alone with myself and forget how to be a decent human being.

ME! :)

2011-12-11T22:40:00.001+10:00

Such an asshole.

Frayed

2011-12-11T14:04:00.001+10:00

I hate how much effort it takes to care about people.

oh
oh
let
me look after you
!

bring me closer.tellmeyoursecrets

$$$ -(*_* -)...

mmmmmmmmmmm

I feel like our culture is toxic.;.,
every moment I spend having a conversation filled with small talk is a moment lost. Neurons falling

to their deaths ! Tell me about

the weather and how much

you love puppies.

mmmm... yes.

I am just as

bad,

just as

bad,

talking about nothing.
I hate to talk.

does no one bring me anything new? It's as though I am meeting the same people
over
over
over
&
over.

DULL.

a e i o u.

2011-12-08T23:31:00.001+10:00

imagine domesticity
oh god
oh why please no.
nooooooooooooooooooooooo

#empathy #lucidchocolate

2011-12-06T21:25:00.001+10:00

(x)

I wish those I hate nothing but dreams:

Dreams of the present that could have been. Of what could have happened, had I chosen to be so cruel. I hope you dream yourself in the shoes of everyone you ever hurt. Feel the anger, the sadness, the humiliation that you have caused by your own hand.

I hope you wake with a shaky breath, as I have done night after night, racing through your own mind - wondering what is real. I want you immersed, so deep in the reality of what you've done, that you feel something. I want you to close your eyes, and see these images, as I have. Faces, faces, faces of the ones you hurt.

I don't want revenge. I don't want a grand apology.

I want understanding.

The Architect

2011-12-05T22:43:00.001+10:00

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin.”
— André Berthiaum

Eventually the lies make the liar.

The mind is a village. We build our own foundations, from the words we hear and say. We spend a lifetime building, playing, mulling over, until we reap what we have sewn.

Plant a wall of weeds or rock and find your castle covered in vines. Or build a kingdom from honesty, and no stone can cave your walls.

Who we are often makes what we become.

However, the architecture of our minds is not always clean cut. We weave what we must, in snap fast moments. Time shows no mercy. Sometimes pressure makes our hands shake as we lay our cement. Then there are moments of a quenching sound, so loud we can't help but change our tune; rebuild to the beat of a new heart.

Every now and then, war dwells on your path. We as humans love disorder, so we wreck what isn't ours. Sometimes there are people with a desire or an envy. They see structure, they see order and they turn it to ruins for the satisfaction. Sometimes people will blow your wooden house in with a huff and a puff - all by mistake.

Each of us have quirks. A mind with character will have creaking doors, hidden attics, perhaps skeletons under the floorboards. But ultimately, it is us who gives ourselves these idiosyncrasies. Paint your minds purple, if you must.

The problem with houses is, often life gives us circumstances where we have to let one another in. Visitors always come, whether you desire them or not. And if your house is haunted...

†

2011-12-02T15:56:00.001+10:00

(x)

m m m marry the night.

101

2011-12-01T22:10:00.001+10:00

DULL.

n0N53NS33

2011-12-01T01:30:00.001+10:00

'....met him 10 days ago.'

'...soul mate.'

'... don't deserve...'

'fuck.'

'how could you...'

'...didn't say a word the whole time...'

and

andandandand&

I'm so silly,

for believing in anything.

I am not the chef of sense.

2011-11-30T22:57:00.001+10:00

Immersed in an ignorant brand of bliss,
I need repairs,
but how; how to ask,
oh.

I feel wrapped up in a bow.
But, but, but. Always conjunctions,
the trap of however.
I am...
hiding bruises.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
This, here, is the result
of repressive masochism.

The mistress said,
said to be happy, she said.
I didn't understand.
Happiness is a common desire,
pleasure easily sought.

I want to understand why.
and then
I can become pleasures slave,
like every other man and woman.

I can carry on, and
shake it off.

pulse

2011-11-29T23:01:00.001+10:00

i need you here, to shelter me.

and keep me warm and pull the ice off my skin

and wrap me up so tightly that I'm smothered

we will be so close

wrap me up in your skin.

too warm and hot,
but good
very good.

wrap me up

so I can defrost

and love again.

...

"Sherlock?" "BOOOOORED!"

2011-11-29T00:13:00.001+10:00

"When you are feeling low, I will be there to feel you up."

dull .dull .dull. dull.. dull dul.l du..ll dull.l. d.u.l.l.
dull.

manip ppp pp p pp p

2011-11-28T01:17:00.001+10:00

This blog is pretty much a map of my three year decline in both faith and sanity. Quite excitingly sad, really. I like to read through it all sometimes, to get a vague idea of where I was at when I was a particular age or how I've felt before. It's nice to have a little map of my ideas. Still, a little haunting seeing the dark spots in the timeline, where all the lights faded.

Before, when I looked back, I saw a lot of my own faults and problems. I saw them as direct causes for all that had happend to me. As far as I was concerned, I got what I deserved. Now I can see that's not true.

Bad things just happened. Sometimes because of other people, sometimes because of a combination of events, and sometimes because of mistakes. But I never really had dark intentions. I had some terrible things going on in my head, I had some sadness, some confusion, some anger.

Somebody has told me I didn't deserve it.

I feel like a weight has left me. The burden of your words: 'Weak, stupid, lonely, undeserving...' they have lessened, just a little. I never really believed I could heal the damage until now. I thought I would be distrusting and alone forever. I can see it's no longer true. I can change, and be worth more.

I'm not the only one left for dead in your war path.

And... it's so wonderful to hear that all the games weren't in my head.

metacarpals

2011-11-26T15:39:00.001+10:00

"In chess, it's called Zugzwang... when the only viable move ...is not to move."

(x)

"How are you?"

I'm good,

really good.

so lovely

2011-11-25T11:43:00.001+10:00

i wont eat
and i wont sleep
for you

♥♥
♥♥♥♥♥
♥♥
♥♥
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
♥
♥♥♥

R

2011-11-24T23:35:00.001+10:00

Shut your goddamn mouth.

TW4†

2011-11-24T21:57:00.001+10:00

I will only let you down,

but my door's always open.

quo quo qho

2011-11-24T20:14:00.001+10:00

“That is what forgiveness sounds like, Seb. Screaming, and then silence.”

—	Psychopaths with Hats

hash tag

2011-11-22T21:23:00.001+10:00

My obsessions are not the problem or the cause.

They are a coping mechanism.

mrrrmrmrmrrph!

2011-11-22T21:21:00.001+10:00

what am I even talking about though?

no point on the pen

2011-11-22T13:50:00.001+10:00

Nothing is more insulting than when someone says they've seen someone just like me
or that i'm just like them
or that what I'm doing is so relatable

and im soooooo normal.

So offended.

999999

2011-11-22T13:32:00.001+10:00

I was blamed, once, for wanting to be miserable.

"You don't want to get better, do you?!"

I can't remember who or why.

but

why would I want to? I don't always want the weak gratification that happiness gives. Happiness is work; a constant effort and forgetting memories and details.

I do hate to be common. So, let's get me talking, fix up all the things that have happened to me. Let's have me functioning normally. What now? What defines me? What do I do with my time?

i don't want someone common, or to be common.

tthen I would be replaceable.

you cannot imitate this unique combination of fear and obsession and blind need for isolated company

I won't speak, I won't, I won't, I won't.

2011-11-19T19:03:00.001+10:00

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

ho ho hoe

2011-11-18T17:17:00.001+10:00

i often think my family knows more about me than they let on,
and perhaps they hate me for it.

Crisp, white sheets.

2011-11-17T20:42:00.001+10:00

(by ▲●)

I can read about other people in love and feel a sharp tingle in my stomach. I can revise over situations and stories of other couples who are so meant to be and just feel a heart clenching sense of warm.

But...
I cannot feel a heat pooling in my spine when someone stares at me a little too long.

And I keep on wondering why.

()[]()[]()[]()[]()[]()[]()[]()

2011-11-14T19:07:00.001+10:00

I need to stop taking people's words at their weight value. Everybody lies, everybody exaggerates... but I can still be so blind. I still believe far too much.

For once, I wish all my hope had been crushed. Perhaps somebody could take all the love and trust from me, clutch it in their hands and pull it apart, piece by piece. Throw it into every corner of the solar system. It's logical to aim for happiness and a whole heart, but I feel I would be wiser... if I never had healed.

loveries

2011-11-14T18:52:00.001+10:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be attracted to another person ever again.

Grey Areas.

2011-11-10T00:04:00.000+10:00

I do love the harshness of the maleanatomy. The jaw, distinct and cutting, bones that poke out from a coarsebarrier of flesh and hair – the way the muscles move underneath, like astretching lion, dying to roar. I love the violent passions of testosterone,and the way it adds a growl to every loving line. There’s an undertone of therough and the primal to every gentlemen’s bow.

Women can be lovely, too. They are muchmore artistic. I always like to imagine young girls spend their time alonepractising every movement, every conversation, and every structure of theirbeing. The completed woman is a masterpiece, curling around these instinctual,ancient beings like smoke, drawing them closer to temptation. The theory of Evewould not be a far cross from the truth, with the way they coil like thepython, striking at the heart of the matter with sharp cutting words andobservations.

I love to watch them interact, with eachother and with me… and alone. The meeting of two kinds – from different worldsand with different natures – it can be volcanic, it can be like blossoming.Sometimes they combine, with curves and hard lines to create this hybrid,almost majestic and confusing to happen upon.

I love it, when human minds and bodiescollide. The urgency or the patience in a touch between two together can belike ignition to fireworks, illuminating every nerve and practising a symphonyin perfect pitch. It can be erratic and wild, animalistic but so human. It canbe an earthquake of anxiety and fear, to reveal our cores and combine them, forjust a moment. But it is so worthwhile, to reach that peak of knowledge and seethe white light of another mind. The humble clarity can be overwhelming.

From time to time, I try to choose. Eachperson is a puzzle in romance – seeking what completes, or what enforces orwhat challenges his or her own heart. Which is it that I need? Do I need aprimal drive, forcing me to bare my teeth and fight with a violent roar? PerhapsI want the calming echo of a soothing presence – a woman’s obedient curves,malleable as clay below the sculptor? No one person is solely each way. We eachhave our own fight and our own temptress inside. But dominance, dominance isimportant in matters of the heart.

What dominates your desires? When I tryto open up, to be vivacious or to flicker a glance from afar, I end upreversing. My mind changes at the flare of a flame and I am biting the handthat feeds, again. I am not sure what I want.

What is it that I need?

Confessions of Spilt Milk.

2011-11-09T22:14:00.004+10:00

This holidays, I'm going to get a new blog. I know there are people out there who believe blogging is unhealthy - encouraging bitching, negativity and passive agression, but I feel like blogging has helped me understand myself. I can see patterns in myself, where once I would be blind. I can map out my days and my history, remember or forget. I can talk about the things I am not brave enough to say aloud.

Blogging has helped me grow as a writer, and I hope to keep on growing... past all the grammar mistakes and terrible posts. Say what you want about how blogging is useless and pokes at a wound, but I believe it's the only way I've survived... my own mind. I've never stuck with a project this long before. I've never really had the courage and the determination to continue with something for so long.

This blog has made me realise I am capable of more. I can commit, if I truly love what I do. I can push on, gain tallent, write things worth reading.

So, I'm going to start a new phase... soon. I'm going to keep going, but it'll be even better than this first go.

It'll only get better, I promise you.

~(^ 3 ^ ~)

2011-11-09T17:44:00.003+10:00

I am bigger than my problems, I am better than my feelings, I am stronger than my negligence.

reasoning

2011-11-07T22:54:00.003+10:00

ohhhhhhh.

okay, reason why I don't have many humans left:

i am a crazy masochist who destroys herself with negativity (see. troisieme lune at blogspot) and focuses on the emptiness and pokes it until it widens into a massive, all consuming anxiety.

~ soblem prolved.

ohhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2011-11-07T21:51:00.002+10:00

Not sure what I even want.

?